Update time!

Hello, hello friends!

I figured it was about time I used my blog for something other than badly written poems and drippy, melodramatic prose pieces.

First of all, I’ve decided to post on a schedule now (or try, anyway!) Actually, I’ve been trying for a few weeks now but for whatever reason WordPress doesn’t like me when I try to schedule things and it just posts whenever it feels like it, so I’m trying to figure out a way around that. Anyway, I’m *hoping* to post every Wednesday around 2-3pm (EST), but if I have to post manually the times might be off due to my unpredictable work schedule.

Second, you can expect to see a lot of me in July.

I have a lot planned with writing updates, and some drippy, melodramatic prose ( 😛 ), and I’ve got a few other ideas, too, so hold tight.

I’ll be the first person to admit that I’m not the best at sticking to deadlines, and yes, I know people are still waiting on Alive (not to mention Awake) but I’m going to try hard, friends.

Also, Camp NaNoWriMo is coming up in just a few days so I’m preparing myself for that. I have honestly never been so excited, or nervous to participate before because I’ve never attempted NaNoWriMo with a full time job, but we’re gonna try this time.

Anyway, that’s it for this update. I’ll see you all in July! 🙂

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Thoughts From A Coffee Shop — Thoughts #5

Chatter.

 

None of it matters.

We talk so loud,

All we want is to be heard, to be listened to,

But it falls on deaf ears.

 

Vanish. 

I want to vanish.

I wonder what it’d be like to disappear, to get up and go somewhere,

To be anywhere but here,

But alas, I have things to do and people to love,

So I remain.

 

Trapped

In this body,

In my home,

In my decisions,

By my phone,

Under your thumb,

Under the gun,

Under everything bigger and scarier than me,

Under the sun.

 

Homesick.

Sometimes I feel like a little kid running away from everything I’m told is good for me; from that Bible verse that says, “Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”, from everything my parents taught me was right, from the very God who created me and everything around me, even though I know He’s the only one who makes any sense in this life.

Every time I come back into His presence I wonder how I ever thought it was a good idea to run toward the darkness, toward the bitterness, toward the feelings of self-pity, alternating with feelings of self-righteousness, to run toward that horrible Frank Sinatra song about doing it my way, when in reality my way sucks, but still I wander off again, easily distracted by shiny things in the distance, only to find that they won’t satisfy.

Sometimes I get so lost in the dark woods of the world that I don’t know if I’ll ever get back Home, and I beat myself up for leaving to begin with, wondering if my Father will ever forgive me, or if I’ve gone too deep to ever get back to where I used to be, but the minute I call for my Daddy, He always comes marching into the darkness to get me, never demanding that I come out of the woods first, which is great because my chances of ever making it out of the woods on my own are slim to none.

 

 

Strength — Thoughts #4

When I was young you taught me to be strong.

You told me nothing was there in the darkness that wasn’t there in the daylight, and I believed you.

But I see dark eyes at the end of my bed now, reminding me that you’re not here anymore, and I realize I was only strong because you were.

Gone

I saw your car today,
Red lights and silver paint,
Of course, it wasn’t you in the driver’s seat,
It was just a stranger and his wife.
I wondered what they were like.
Their hair was grey and their smiles were faint,
Just like yours was.
You’re long gone now, but the memories you left still resound.
I miss you every single day,
Especially in the summer.
I miss the smell of the front porch and the garden.
The walk to the mailbox with your hand in mine,
The laundry hanging out on the line.
It’s weird that it’s all still so easy to remember when it seems that you’ve been gone forever.
Sometimes I turn on the old songs we’d play in the car, and I get lost in the sound of your voice reaching over the music.
I miss the way we’d play the same songs over and over again,
Your fingerprints written on every disc.
I want to have that once again, but you’re still gone.
I miss the safety I found in your home.
It’s gone now, as are you.
The walls have been painted over, the garden torn out,
I want to scream, but it won’t bring you back now.

Now I’m staring at them,
They’re looking at me.
I know that they don’t see what I see.
I see your face as you drive away.
They see a girl who doesn’t know what to say.
Red lights and silver paint,
Tears are streaming down my face.
I don’t know why I feel betrayed, it wasn’t you who drove away.

You’re gone and I’m still here, wondering what you’d think of me if you were here today.

Music – Mental Health Post #6

Hello, hello Friends! 🙂

I’m really excited about this post because I’ve been planning it for awhile now, and it’s a much lighter topic than most of the other things I’ve posted this month!

People say that laughter is the best medicine, but laughter comes in third for me.

The Internet and My Mental Health – Mental Health Post #5

Hello again, Friends!

Today I eat a huge piece of humble pie, and I talk about something I am extremely ashamed of. I talk about some great things, too, but I’m mostly embarrassed and disgusted by my actions, and I am almost hoping this doesn’t get any views.

*This is actually May 9th’s post, I’m just running super late! I’d also like to note before I really get into this: I tried to make this post as accurate as possible, however, as I’ve previously stated, I have sponge cake for a brain and I didn’t keep great records at the time, so the order of events may be slightly off. *

The Internet can be a wonderful, or a terrible place.

TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm! Mental Health Month Post #3

 

Hello again, Friends! 🙂

Today I wanted to bring up something that irks me, and I hmm-ed and haaa-ed about this topic, because there’s no “happy ending” and there’s no great lesson to be learned from it, and it’s kind of a dark topic, but I think it’s something that SHOULD be talked about.

Please be warned, I do briefly mention self harm in this post so if you’re triggered at all by that, please, please leave this post and keep yourself safe. 

Mental Health Month Post #2

Hello again, Friends.

Despite my long list of things I planned to talk about throughout the month, I couldn’t make my brain cooperate with any of my ideas today.

So tonight I leave you with some things that usually make me feel that “warm and fuzzy” feeling. It’s a useful list when I’m feeling blue, and I know that most of the things on my list are “small”, but I tend to find smaller things more gratifying.

I’d love to hear what’s on your list, if you have one, and if you don’t have one yet I would highly encourage you to make one, especially if you live with dark thoughts but I think a list like this could benefit anybody. Hang it on your wall, pin it on your fridge, make a note on your phone, just put it somewhere you can see it all the time.

Mental Health Month Post #1

“There’s a time to be silly, and there’s a time to be serious.” The Bellybutton Song from Veggietales

After that “Editing Song” post from yesterday, this is my time to be serious.

(I realize now that maybe starting this series of posts with a quote from Veggietales is not the best way to do that, but here we go!)

I know I’m starting five days late, but I’m going to try to post something every day for the rest of this month about my experiences with mental health and some things that “work” for me and other things that don’t, as well as a few old poems and thoughts from my journals.

 

Please keep in mind, these are MY experiences and I am not offering any solutions to anybody’s problems, especially considering the fact that I haven’t even “solved” my own problems, I’ve just figured out how to live with them (most of the time, anyway!) and I’m going to just be completely honest with you about my experiences.

It’s 2016 and the stigma surrounding mental illness and mental health need to stop, and until the day my heart stops beating, I will continue to talk about this. We’ve lost too many people to stay silent anymore.

I apologize in advance if I ramble on too much.