What It Takes To Get By

“It’s okay. I forgive you.”

It’s a soft, half-blurred version of truth,

I say what I have to.

And you don’t seem to mind, because we continue to slide by.

You know? You’re right, I’m the only one who did anything wrong.

It’s always my fault.

I’m the only one to blame.

You graciously forgive me again.

I thank you for your understanding, and I turn my cheek to await your strike,

For which I know you’ll never apologize,

But I will, because that’s what it takes to get by.

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PLEASE NOTE that this is no way meant to be a glorification of abuse or violence. This is a personal, but semi-fictional account of a mentally abusive friendship. Please, if you’re in an abusive relationship, whether it be a friendship or a domestic situation, please seek counsel. You don’t have to live like that, no matter what anybody else has told you, or what you may have told yourself. You are worthy of getting out of that situation. You are worthy of help. 

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Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let’s grapple with the ineffable and see if we may not eff it after all. — Douglas Adams

Maybe you’re the ineffable I must grapple with, and maybe you cannot be effed with after all.

You broke me while pretending to fix me,

You walked away with blood on your hands, and smiled as you washed the best parts of me down the drain.

I was your victim. A hopeless tumbleweed in your tornado, and you showed no remorse, even when I begged you for just a shred of truth.

It’s not like I ever asked for an apology, because I knew you’d never be able to raise yourself to that level of sincerity, but I wanted to hear why you felt the need to cut me so deep.

You stood beside my bed and watched as I cried into the dip of the mattress and bled into every word I wrote in my diaries.

You said it was all for my benefit, and you only wanted what was best for me. I still don’t know why I believed you.

You’ve got the power, but you abuse it.

You possess the truth, but you don’t use it.

You manipulate those around you, and you beat them down, so they have no choice but to stick around and love you.

And after all you’ve put me through, boy, do I ever love you.