Phone Anxiety

My heart calls to You,

You answer on the first ring,

I guess You’ve been waiting for me to call, after all, You called me first.

I know, I heard the phone ring hours ago, but I was too afraid to pick up and say hello.

Now I’ve got You on the other end again, and I’m still too afraid to speak,

My heart races, my voice shakes, but You’re patient, so You’ll wait.

But I’ll hang up, and I’ll hang up, and I’ll hang up again, because my heart pounds too hard to hear Your voice anyway.

And when I come to my senses I’ll call back, and You’ll always pick up, and You’ll love me through my anxiety and my stubborn pride.

Thank You.

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The Box — Mental Health Post #19

Most of the time, it doesn’t matter whether I’m with ten people or a hundred, I still feel disconnected somehow, as if there’s a thick glass box between us.
It takes time for their messages to reach me and by then they’ve moved on, and my words bubble into the empty space around me.
I slouch against the hard wall of my box and wait for the event to be over, frustrated with my inability to change the fact that everything is happening without me, but the truth is, people are exhausting and I’m too tired to care. Even if I could get out, I’m not sure that I would.
Despite the fact that I curse the glass for making me miss out on things that seem to make others so happy, I’m grateful for its presence, too, because in exchange for my isolation it offers protection. Inside its walls, I cannot make a fool of myself, and I don’t have to worry about getting hurt.
Occasionally a passerby will tap on my glass and try to break through to me, but I wave and smile, pretend I’m fine so they walk by to meet someone who is actually here.

The Calendar — Mental Health Post #13

I’m a bit of a contradiction in the sense that I anxiously watch clocks and become obsessed with thoughts of seconds, minutes and hours passing, but I rarely change the calendar. I’m not sure why that is, but I stress about what I need to do, or the things coming in the near future.
If you’ve ever been around a child during a round of hide-and-seek you’re probably familiar with the scene I’m about to describe: the child hides in an obvious (and often highly visible) place, and you, the “seeker” must pretend for a few minutes that you cannot find the child. The logic of children presumably being, if I can’t see them, they can’t see me! *Giggles*

That’s how I feel about changing the calendar. If I don’t see it coming, it won’t ever get here, even though it always does.
Until last night, my calendar was still showing me all of the days in February even though they’re long gone now, but an interesting thing happened to me when I was finally righting the date. It suddenly hit me that it doesn’t matter whether I watch the days or not, they’re going to pass anyway so I might as well do something with them.

Anxiety – Mental Health Post #8

I’ve spent the last hour picking up the phone, dialling nine of the ten numbers before hanging the reciever back up again.

After nearly an hour of searching for someone who might be able to help, I have the number but I can’t.

What can anybody say to make this all better?

Is it possible for a counsellor on the other end of the phone line to just say some magic words and make the darkness disappear? No, I should think not.

Finally I put the phone back in its cradle and walk away,

Today is not the day.

Watching Time

I paralyze myself with thoughts of time,

It’s seven am, my bus comes at nine.

I have so much to do today,

But the hours soon will slip away,

I’ll need to go, and I guess then, I’ll be angry that the hours end.

So instead I sit and watch seconds go by,

It’s seven thirty, and I don’t have enough time.

I won’t eat, I won’t sleep.

The clock, my gaze will keep.

I won’t think, I won’t dream,

My heart is scared to beat,

Every second that passes is a closer second to The Next Event.

I’m paralyzed by thoughts of time,

It was seven thirty, and now it’s nine.

Nothing got done today, as I watched the hours fade to gray.

And tomorrow, I fear it’ll be the same, as my life slowly slips away.

I don’t know why I am this way, but I know I’ve wasted time today, which when I really stop and think, is what I tried to avoid by watching time.