An Update

Well, my friends, needless to say sometimes life does not go the way we plan it. 

The past week and a half-ish has been rough. First of all, I’ve been struggling with my mental health something fierce (but I’ll touch more on that in another post, I think!), and everything that could go wrong seemingly has. 

My computer fizzed out on me, and I’m the idiot that never backs up her work*, so I lost EVERYTHING for my NaNoWriMo project this year, as well as the half-finished draft of Awake.

*Or at least I used to be. I certainly won’t be anymore! 

I’m honestly heartbroken, but I’m trying my best to get back on track — though I certainly won’t be finishing NaNoWriMo with 50k this year now, and I probably won’t have the rough draft of Awake done by February, I know I did my best. 

And it taught me a valuable lesson: BACK UP YOUR WORK EVERY TIME YOU QUIT! To several places. Just saving it to your computer isn’t enough. 

And maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I’ll write a better story now that the old draft is gone. Or at least that’s what I have to tell myself to keep from getting too discouraged.

Anyway, that’s all for now. Thanks for reading!

Love you guys, 

Paige

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The Funniest Email I’ve Ever Gotten / Why I’m Changing My Username

Subject: ummmm…

Message: Are you married? Or do you refer to your cat as your husband? Help me I’m very confused/concerned.

I received that email from one of my closest friends out of the blue about a month ago, and my immediate response was WHAT?! Because neither of those things are in any way accurate (although I have joked on occasion in the summertime that Sam is the only hot boy I’ll ever have in my life :P), and after I got over the initial shock and confusion, I had a good laugh.

I ended up on Skype that same night with my friend and she explained that she had been looking for my blog and when she stumbled upon one with a similar title to mine, and she said the woman looked a bit like me, but that woman kept making references to her “husband”, which is obviously where the similarities between our two blogs ended.

Since that conversation I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am as a human, and about what I want this blog to be, and I’ve realized that my current name really doesn’t suit the vision I have anymore.

For a while now I’ve been struggling to keep up with my personal journal, mostly because of my mental health in some form. When I’m depressed I don’t want to write, or I don’t have words to write even if I want to. Sometimes I’ll try to write but I’ll have so much anxiety about writing well that I write three sentences and stop. Somewhere along the line I’ve gotten this messed up idea in my head that everything I write has to be worthy of reading, even when nobody else will ever read it.

To “solve” that problem in recent months I’ve started doing this thing in my journal, I call it “recent events in true ramblers fashion”. This means I allow myself to ramble on and on without filter. The only “structure” I give myself when I’m rambling is numbered bullet points to separate each topic without me having to worry  about transitioning smoothly from one topic to the next, because here’s a little secret, guys: I’m BAD at transitions! I’m working on it, but I’m still bad at them.

So, I wanted to bring some of that style to my blog (not the bullet points, don’t worry!), because I honestly have tons of ideas, but the weeds that grow in the garden of my mind end up choking me out before I even get started.

I considered calling this blog In True Ramblers Fashion, but didn’t want to mislead people into thinking I was going to blog about my adventures (which I’m sure I could spend a lot of time on, but that’s not what this blog is about!), or about actual fashion, so I looked up the definition of the word “rambler” online for a clearer mental picture, and this is what came up:

Definition of rambler according to Merriam-Webster online.

1:  one that rambles [definition of rambles: 1: to move aimlessly from place to place / 2: to talk or write in a desultory or long-winded wandering fashion]

2:  any of various climbing roses with long flexible canes and rather small often double flowers in large clusters

I’d honestly never heard of rambling roses until today, so I did another quick google search and the results told me all I needed to know.

This is what I understood from all of the different articles I read:

Rambling roses are strong stemmed roses that bloom once a year. The “personality” of the flower depends on the KIND of rambler you get, but Albertine ramblers specifically grow tall, and they’re a bit haywire in the sense that they’ll basically take over everything if you let them.

They grow best in full sunlight but are susceptible to mildew if they dry out. They require a lot of care and hard work to get them tamed and shaped into what you want them to be, but they’re worth it because they are some of the prettiest, most coveted roses out there.

My mission in life is to be strong, and to grow in every aspect; my faith, my personal relationships, and my creativity. As tacky as it might sound, I also grow best in full Son light and am susceptible to mould if I allow my roots to dry out.

Sure, it will take hard work to get where I want to be, but here’s to hoping it’ll be worth it in the end.

Sincerely,

A Rambler In Bloom.

P.S Yes, this means I’m coming back. Sorry it’s been so long. I could make a ton of excuses but I’ll save those for another post 😛

Also, I should probably mention that this blog is still about writing, and mental health, and the occasional personal update. It’s not — and never will be — a gardening blog, sorry to disappoint.

My Tattoo Story

As I mentioned in my last post, I am officially a tattooed human being as of April 21 2016.

I’ve always loved the way tattoos look and the stories they tell.

My Best Friend and my Mental Health — Mental Health Post #21

So no one told you life was gonna be this way, your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A, it’s like you’re always stuck in second gear, when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour, I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before, I’ll be there for you, ‘cause you’re there for me too. – I’ll Be There For You by The Rembrandts (AKA: The FRIENDS theme song)

All right, so I should make the disclaimer that this post isn’t actually about FRIENDS the TV show, although I make a few references to it.

Somebody — Mental Health Post #14.5

I don’t care what he did, or didn’t do.

I don’t care if he was an addict, or if he was a saint.

I do know he was too young to die.

And I know he was somebody’s baby,

He was somebody’s brother,

He was somebody’s best friend,

Somebody’s boyfriend,

Somebody’s grandson.

He, in and of himself, was somebody.

He was a human being with breath in his lungs,

He had a brain, he had feelings, emotions, dreams.

He was SOMEBODY.

 

How can people be so heartless?

How can people say he deserved this?

How would you feel if it were your brother, your baby, your best friend?

Suicide Doesn’t Make Sense — Mental Health Post #14

 

Today, I write with a heavy heart over the loss of someone I never even knew.
He was a friend of some of my friends, and he was acquainted with my brother.
He was only seventeen years old, and now he’s gone forever.

 

The Calendar — Mental Health Post #13

I’m a bit of a contradiction in the sense that I anxiously watch clocks and become obsessed with thoughts of seconds, minutes and hours passing, but I rarely change the calendar. I’m not sure why that is, but I stress about what I need to do, or the things coming in the near future.
If you’ve ever been around a child during a round of hide-and-seek you’re probably familiar with the scene I’m about to describe: the child hides in an obvious (and often highly visible) place, and you, the “seeker” must pretend for a few minutes that you cannot find the child. The logic of children presumably being, if I can’t see them, they can’t see me! *Giggles*

That’s how I feel about changing the calendar. If I don’t see it coming, it won’t ever get here, even though it always does.
Until last night, my calendar was still showing me all of the days in February even though they’re long gone now, but an interesting thing happened to me when I was finally righting the date. It suddenly hit me that it doesn’t matter whether I watch the days or not, they’re going to pass anyway so I might as well do something with them.

*Trigger Warning Suicide* — Mental Health Post #10

Hello again Friends, it’s another day in Mental Health Month and I present to you another topic that confuses me.
Let me preface this by saying that I am absolutely positive I’m not the only one who experiences what I’m about to describe, however, I’m not quite sure of how common (or uncommon) it is. I’ve seen some posts on Yahoo Answers, and asked a few friends who have depression/suicidal thoughts if they’ve ever experienced the same thing and the responses have been mixed, but most of the people I’ve spoken to have leaned toward the “I’ve never had that” side of the spectrum.
At any rate, it’s not something I hear or see talked about very often, and I’m not sure if it’s because there’s no real solution to the problem, or if it’s a difficult topic to talk about because of how weird it sounds to anyone that hasn’t dealt with it, or if it’s really not that common, but I don’t shy away from very many topics — if any — so here we go. The topic for today is: casual thoughts of suicide.
Now, let me be clear, I don’t mean the early phases of actually planning a suicide attempt (that phase where you might be thinking about it but don’t have the details nailed down yet. That’s what doctors and intake nurses classify as “casual thoughts of suicide”, apparently). No, I mean in my personal experience suicidal thoughts occur even on “good days” when absolutely nothing is going on to trigger them.
Before I started to live with these thoughts, I never would’ve considered thoughts of suicide “casual”. My suicidal thoughts used to occur only during dark episodes or surrounding bad life circumstances, however, in the past year or two, I’ve noticed that I can be feeling “good” (If you’re wondering why I keep saying “good” in quotation marks, it’s because I hardly ever genuinely feel good. I have days that are better than others, but I don’t know if I’d go as far as to say I have really “good” days) and still, if I see a bridge, or a bottle of Tylenol, or a car going faster than it should, it’s almost like a computer popup shows up in my head and says, “Excuse me, there’s something that could kill you.” And sometimes it’s a fleeting thought and other times it’s something that sticks with me for a while, but even when it sticks I still don’t feel too bad, I just have to deal with intrusive thoughts of death and being dead, which sounds awful, right?

Imagine someone you’re close to calls you up, and you have this conversation:
Them: “How are you?”
You: “Oh, yeah, I’m good, I’ve just been having intrusive but totally casual thoughts of death.”

When people think about death, especially self inflicted death, it’s often associated with darkness and sadness, so these thoughts that feel as natural as saying, “I like ketchup on my hamburgers” don’t add up, and I know when I’ve voiced these thoughts to others, I’ve gotten some interesting responses because let’s face it, casually talking about ways to kill myself in the middle of hanging out with somebody definitely makes me sound more crazy than I actually am (if that’s possible).
Anyway, we’ve reached the crux of this post, and here’s what I have to say about the matter: as I stated at the beginning of all of this, I’m not sure how “normal” it is (as one could argue that no thoughts of suicide are normal, ever) but if you’re having thoughts like this, I don’t believe you’re crazy, and you’re definitely not alone.
Some people are just made up differently, and thoughts happen. For me, these casual thoughts of suicide don’t mean anything, and even though I don’t enjoy them and I try my best to make them go away, they could be worse.
However, if you do feel like these thoughts are too frequent or if they really bother you (and definitely if they become more serious!), then I’d highly encourage you to talk to someone about them, but if you’re just thinking about them like you might think about y’know, circuses or something (what are normal thoughts even? I’m drawing a blank right now :3 All of my thoughts at the moment are related to cool bands!), then in my personal opinion, I wouldn’t worry too much. You’re okay.
I feel like we spend too much time telling people how to fix their problems, and not enough time telling them YOU’RE OKAY! YOU’RE NOT CRAZY! I STILL LOVE YOU! (And even if you WERE crazy, I’d STILL love you!).

Stay safe, my Friends! I’ll write to you tomorrow (if not sooner!)

The Internet and My Mental Health – Mental Health Post #5

Hello again, Friends!

Today I eat a huge piece of humble pie, and I talk about something I am extremely ashamed of. I talk about some great things, too, but I’m mostly embarrassed and disgusted by my actions, and I am almost hoping this doesn’t get any views.

*This is actually May 9th’s post, I’m just running super late! I’d also like to note before I really get into this: I tried to make this post as accurate as possible, however, as I’ve previously stated, I have sponge cake for a brain and I didn’t keep great records at the time, so the order of events may be slightly off. *

The Internet can be a wonderful, or a terrible place.

Happy Mother’s Day — Mental Health Post #4

Hello friends!

Today is the day we set aside to celebrate the amazing women that brought us into the world, as well as the women in our lives that act like mother’s to us.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the physical mother’s out there, as well as the emotional, and spiritual mother’s. You rock!