My head’s a mess,
I miss my friends,
But trying to reply is the biggest mountain I have to face sometimes.
I’m frustrated and I’m tired.
I want to talk, but I don’t have the energy that’s required.
It takes a lot from me to make conversation,
Honestly, I lack the motivation.
Please be patient with me, and know that I love you, even if it takes me two weeks to respond.
It’s easier to say goodbye to the ones who hurt us,
The ones who broke our hearts, who lied to our faces or stabbed us in the back,
But sometimes goodbyes aren’t cut and dry,
They’re not always “I hate you”, or “You did such and such a thing, and I can’t forgive you.”
Sometimes people just move on,
The friendships just stop making sense, and no matter how hard you want to get back what you had, it doesn’t work anymore.
Those are the hardest goodbyes.
Now I know it was only infatuation,
It wasn’t love.
I was lured by his good looks, and promise of better tomorrows,
But I placed too much faith in his facade.
He was a cardboard cutout of a prince that couldn’t break into my castle and save me from my fiery captor.
He burned up and faded away, while I stood up and saved myself.
Subject: ummmm…
Message: Are you married? Or do you refer to your cat as your husband? Help me I’m very confused/concerned.
I received that email from one of my closest friends out of the blue about a month ago, and my immediate response was WHAT?! Because neither of those things are in any way accurate (although I have joked on occasion in the summertime that Sam is the only hot boy I’ll ever have in my life :P), and after I got over the initial shock and confusion, I had a good laugh.
I ended up on Skype that same night with my friend and she explained that she had been looking for my blog and when she stumbled upon one with a similar title to mine, and she said the woman looked a bit like me, but that woman kept making references to her “husband”, which is obviously where the similarities between our two blogs ended.
Since that conversation I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am as a human, and about what I want this blog to be, and I’ve realized that my current name really doesn’t suit the vision I have anymore.
For a while now I’ve been struggling to keep up with my personal journal, mostly because of my mental health in some form. When I’m depressed I don’t want to write, or I don’t have words to write even if I want to. Sometimes I’ll try to write but I’ll have so much anxiety about writing well that I write three sentences and stop. Somewhere along the line I’ve gotten this messed up idea in my head that everything I write has to be worthy of reading, even when nobody else will ever read it.
To “solve” that problem in recent months I’ve started doing this thing in my journal, I call it “recent events in true ramblers fashion”. This means I allow myself to ramble on and on without filter. The only “structure” I give myself when I’m rambling is numbered bullet points to separate each topic without me having to worry about transitioning smoothly from one topic to the next, because here’s a little secret, guys: I’m BAD at transitions! I’m working on it, but I’m still bad at them.
So, I wanted to bring some of that style to my blog (not the bullet points, don’t worry!), because I honestly have tons of ideas, but the weeds that grow in the garden of my mind end up choking me out before I even get started.
I considered calling this blog In True Ramblers Fashion, but didn’t want to mislead people into thinking I was going to blog about my adventures (which I’m sure I could spend a lot of time on, but that’s not what this blog is about!), or about actual fashion, so I looked up the definition of the word “rambler” online for a clearer mental picture, and this is what came up:
Definition of rambler according to Merriam-Webster online.
1: one that rambles [definition of rambles: 1: to move aimlessly from place to place / 2: to talk or write in a desultory or long-winded wandering fashion]
2: any of various climbing roses with long flexible canes and rather small often double flowers in large clusters
I’d honestly never heard of rambling roses until today, so I did another quick google search and the results told me all I needed to know.
This is what I understood from all of the different articles I read:
Rambling roses are strong stemmed roses that bloom once a year. The “personality” of the flower depends on the KIND of rambler you get, but Albertine ramblers specifically grow tall, and they’re a bit haywire in the sense that they’ll basically take over everything if you let them.
They grow best in full sunlight but are susceptible to mildew if they dry out. They require a lot of care and hard work to get them tamed and shaped into what you want them to be, but they’re worth it because they are some of the prettiest, most coveted roses out there.
My mission in life is to be strong, and to grow in every aspect; my faith, my personal relationships, and my creativity. As tacky as it might sound, I also grow best in full Son light and am susceptible to mould if I allow my roots to dry out.
Sure, it will take hard work to get where I want to be, but here’s to hoping it’ll be worth it in the end.
Sincerely,
A Rambler In Bloom.
P.S Yes, this means I’m coming back. Sorry it’s been so long. I could make a ton of excuses but I’ll save those for another post 😛
Also, I should probably mention that this blog is still about writing, and mental health, and the occasional personal update. It’s not — and never will be — a gardening blog, sorry to disappoint.
A Rambler In Bloom 