Sometimes I feel like a little kid running away from everything I’m told is good for me; from that Bible verse that says, “Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”, from everything my parents taught me was right, from the very God who created me and everything around me, even though I know He’s the only one who makes any sense in this life.
Every time I come back into His presence I wonder how I ever thought it was a good idea to run toward the darkness, toward the bitterness, toward the feelings of self-pity, alternating with feelings of self-righteousness, to run toward that horrible Frank Sinatra song about doing it my way, when in reality my way sucks, but still I wander off again, easily distracted by shiny things in the distance, only to find that they won’t satisfy.
Sometimes I get so lost in the dark woods of the world that I don’t know if I’ll ever get back Home, and I beat myself up for leaving to begin with, wondering if my Father will ever forgive me, or if I’ve gone too deep to ever get back to where I used to be, but the minute I call for my Daddy, He always comes marching into the darkness to get me, never demanding that I come out of the woods first, which is great because my chances of ever making it out of the woods on my own are slim to none.
You may have wondered, Paige, where have you been?
Well, Friends, I’ve been tucked away with a pen,
Okay, to tell the truth, it’s actually a laptop,
It’s been late nights, practically nonstop,
Sequestered in a room with just some earbuds and my thoughts,
Writing and editing, writing and editing, you know how it goes,
Wanting to tear my hair out of my scalp because I CAN’T GET THE WORDS TO FLOW,
But it’s almost time.
Alive is almost here, and it’s better than it was two years ago, I swear.
Is this all that we have left?
Are we nothing but good love gone bad?
A strong bond, torn to shreds?
Were we doomed from beginning to end?
Was I not enough for you?
Do all friendships end in heartache?
Was our good, good enough to outweigh the pain?
Can I do anything to change the outcome?
Or must I let you go?
“It’s okay. I forgive you.”
It’s a soft, half-blurred version of truth,
I say what I have to.
And you don’t seem to mind, because we continue to slide by.
You know? You’re right, I’m the only one who did anything wrong.
It’s always my fault.
I’m the only one to blame.
You graciously forgive me again.
I thank you for your understanding, and I turn my cheek to await your strike,
For which I know you’ll never apologize,
But I will, because that’s what it takes to get by.
PLEASE NOTE that this is no way meant to be a glorification of abuse or violence. This is a personal, but semi-fictional account of a mentally abusive friendship. Please, if you’re in an abusive relationship, whether it be a friendship or a domestic situation, please seek counsel. You don’t have to live like that, no matter what anybody else has told you, or what you may have told yourself. You are worthy of getting out of that situation. You are worthy of help.