So no one told you life was gonna be this way, your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A, it’s like you’re always stuck in second gear, when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour, I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before, I’ll be there for you, ‘cause you’re there for me too. – I’ll Be There For You by The Rembrandts (AKA: The FRIENDS theme song)
All right, so I should make the disclaimer that this post isn’t actually about FRIENDS the TV show, although I make a few references to it.
Today is an important day for me, because three years ago today my best friend and I did something borderline crazy and we had a “friend wedding” in her backyard.
We had another close friend of ours perform the ceremony, and we wrote friend vows (I have mine somewhere, but all I remember of them off the top of my head is, “I promise to sing Soft Kitty to you when you’re sick.” Her vows were gorgeous and a little more realistic while mine were lame and full of pop culture references, but I meant every word of them!) and then our friend sang Friends Are Friends Forever by Michael W. Smith, and we exchanged friendship bracelets, and then we danced around the backyard like the weirdos that we are, and it was honestly such a great day.
I imagine some of you are thinking, “Could you BE any weirder?” and the answer is no, probably not, but I’ll keep you updated in the future if I change my mind!
Our families and our other friends looked at us like we were crazy, and maybe we were (are?) but I think the whole out-of-the-box experience made us closer, and whenever we hit a bump in the metaphorical friendship trail I remember that we promised to stick with each other no matter what, and we always manage to figure out some way to make things work.
She is always the person I go to when I’m having issues, whether they be circumstantial or I’m just having a down day, and even though she can’t heal my wounds, she listens to me and makes me feel like somebody cares.
I only credit one person with truly keeping me alive and that’s God, but He works through so many “small” but meaningful things to keep me here, and I often don’t know why He does, but I know He does. I’ve seen Him work through music, and a two year old child, and the people I’ve had the privilege to call my friends, and those are the things that keep me around when I don’t want to be.
See, I’m the type of person that weighs all of the pros and cons in every situation, whether it be something “simple” like picking which CD I want to buy next, or whether or not to quit my job, or whether or not I should take my own life, and so every time I think about suicide, my lists look something like this:
– I’d finally be done with all of the junk and drama in my life
– I cannot mess up anymore if I’m dead
– I won’t feel this way anymore. I hate feeling like this all of the time.
– No more worrying about pros and cons, or “what if” or “could’ve been” situations
– Everybody would be better off if I disappeared
– I’m so tired
– I would hurt my friends and family, which is what I’m trying to avoid by killing myself, it’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation, really, and what would hurt them most?
– I’d like to believe that my best friend needs me as much as I need her
– I wouldn’t have anything to say anymore. I’d be silent for the rest of forever.
– Unsure of where people who commit suicide go in the “afterlife”. I’d like to believe it’s heaven, but God only knows (literally)
– My novels would remain unfinished
– I’ll never get to see another concert or hear another song
– If I kill myself I have no chance of anything ever getting any better
– I won’t get to see “Monkey” grow up [side note for anyone reading this, Monkey is my three-year-old second cousin and he brings me immense joy]
– Monkey won’t remember me when he gets older (Add this to the pros?)
– Bryan Olesen of VOTA said I inspire him
So, there are more cons than pros, but when I’m in a really dark spot I’m usually able to talk myself out of all of the cons. The dark fog in my brain twists my thoughts until my cons list starts to look like this:
– The pain of losing me would only impact the people I love once, whereas if I continue to live, I’ll keep screwing up over and over again and causing them so much pain
– My best friend has other friends, she doesn’t need me
– Maybe I don’t have anything to say now and I’m just kidding myself
– So what if I go to hell? I’ll probably end up there anyway, whether I’m going naturally or by my own hand because I am awful
– My novels are garbage anyway
– Concerts won’t matter when I’m dead
– Things will never get better anyway
– Monkey will be better off without me
– Monkey is too young to remember me if I do this now
– Bryan Olesen probably says that to everyone, he doesn’t care about me. He wouldn’t even notice if I dropped off the face of the earth.
Which is why having a best friend is so important to me, because sometimes I text her these crazy thoughts, and she reassures me that she cares about me, and she loves me, and she’s still here for me when I need her.
This is also the reason I got my tattoos in April (My mom just pointed out the fact that I haven’t done a post about my tattoos yet. Whoops! I’ll upload that next and link it back here), because even though I remember the night that saved my life in vivid detail when my head isn’t swamped with poison, it’s easy to get it twisted in the middle of a bad spell. My depression tells me that the whole night was an accident, that I imagined some “deep meaning” and I was probably supposed to kill myself as planned April 22nd 2012 but I chickened out instead. So, that’s why I rely on my wrists to remind me that I still have a reason to be here, and God’s word tells me the same thing, and my friends act as a great reminder.
So, I raise my coffee (because I have zero desire to drink) to you Chrissi, and to all of the other people that remind me that the world is not a horrible place to live in.